Tribute
While in the process of flitering though our stuff I came across an old notebook where, written in an agitated hand, was a reminder of why I first fell for you and just what you did to me.
While not about to fully expose my amorous (and somewhat silly) scribblings to the entire "anonymous" community, here are some exerpts portraying the tidal wave that falling for you was:
"I have got to take a closer look to examine my feelings. A few steps back from the tumult of emotions threatening to throw me over the brink into uncontrolled insanity. Let me see what sense I can make of things.
"What is the strongst emotion I experience? It's not fear? No, something far more powerful has taken control; it drowns out the screams, the voices predicting doom.
"What is the strongst emotion I experience? It's not fear? No, something far more powerful has taken control; it drowns out the screams, the voices predicting doom.
"Wanting -there is definitely feelings of that, but wanting what? From the first time our eyes locked I've wanted to be the one to lessen the pain, hurt and betrayal(?) I see in his eyes. Wanting -I want to be his angel. I want to be his lifeline, I want to be his sanity. Wanting- I want him to take me on the roller-coaster of my life. I think he could live out my fantasies... Wanting -I want him to devour me, to break me, to treasure me, to need me, to see in me what no one else sees.
"Fear -but fear of what? whom? Do I fear him? No, in fact there's a sense of being safe when he's around. It's as if I needn't have a care in the world. I feel as if no matter what, he'd take care of me; keep me safe. Fear -I fear his control over me. I've never met someone with so strong a hold on my mind. I hate to admit it, but from the start I suspected he could be the one strong enough to break me.
"Pure joy -every time I see that he is online, but the real wonder and beauty of it is, that unlike any other online "thing" I've had, that joy, every feeling and all my impressions of him are unaltered when we meet face to face. He is no facade in my mind that in real life is a completely different person. No, he's only better because he is real.
"God, why did you create a being designed, it seems, to torment me with pleasure and pain. I've never connected with another human being as I do with him. I've never known desire like this. If I let myself admit it, from the very beginning I knew he was gonna change my life. -tho I was happy to live in denial, "Let it be friendship; I can handle that!" but inside the fire grew.
"How long before this rope breaks and I fall into the canyon where there's no climbing out of? I fear having to live without him."
While some of the above may sound a bit melodramatic, you truly turned my world inside out.
I know more often than not, I fall short of being that angel that I so desired to be, but I am determined to strive to be more loving, kind, patient and caring. -qualities that any angel should possess!
Life hasn't been all smooth sailing, but you've always been my ballast. You've truly lived up to my prediction that "I needn't have a care in the world...(you'd) take care of me; keep me safe".
Loving you has been the ride of my life and I'm determined to remain on this ride for many years to come.
Happy Birthday, my love! I love you! -always!
