Tribute
While in the process of flitering though our stuff I came across an old notebook where, written in an agitated hand, was a reminder of why I first fell for you and just what you did to me.
While not about to fully expose my amorous (and somewhat silly) scribblings to the entire "anonymous" community, here are some exerpts portraying the tidal wave that falling for you was:
"I have got to take a closer look to examine my feelings. A few steps back from the tumult of emotions threatening to throw me over the brink into uncontrolled insanity. Let me see what sense I can make of things.
"What is the strongst emotion I experience? It's not fear? No, something far more powerful has taken control; it drowns out the screams, the voices predicting doom.
"What is the strongst emotion I experience? It's not fear? No, something far more powerful has taken control; it drowns out the screams, the voices predicting doom.
"Wanting -there is definitely feelings of that, but wanting what? From the first time our eyes locked I've wanted to be the one to lessen the pain, hurt and betrayal(?) I see in his eyes. Wanting -I want to be his angel. I want to be his lifeline, I want to be his sanity. Wanting- I want him to take me on the roller-coaster of my life. I think he could live out my fantasies... Wanting -I want him to devour me, to break me, to treasure me, to need me, to see in me what no one else sees.
"Fear -but fear of what? whom? Do I fear him? No, in fact there's a sense of being safe when he's around. It's as if I needn't have a care in the world. I feel as if no matter what, he'd take care of me; keep me safe. Fear -I fear his control over me. I've never met someone with so strong a hold on my mind. I hate to admit it, but from the start I suspected he could be the one strong enough to break me.
"Pure joy -every time I see that he is online, but the real wonder and beauty of it is, that unlike any other online "thing" I've had, that joy, every feeling and all my impressions of him are unaltered when we meet face to face. He is no facade in my mind that in real life is a completely different person. No, he's only better because he is real.
"God, why did you create a being designed, it seems, to torment me with pleasure and pain. I've never connected with another human being as I do with him. I've never known desire like this. If I let myself admit it, from the very beginning I knew he was gonna change my life. -tho I was happy to live in denial, "Let it be friendship; I can handle that!" but inside the fire grew.
"How long before this rope breaks and I fall into the canyon where there's no climbing out of? I fear having to live without him."
While some of the above may sound a bit melodramatic, you truly turned my world inside out.
I know more often than not, I fall short of being that angel that I so desired to be, but I am determined to strive to be more loving, kind, patient and caring. -qualities that any angel should possess!
Life hasn't been all smooth sailing, but you've always been my ballast. You've truly lived up to my prediction that "I needn't have a care in the world...(you'd) take care of me; keep me safe".
Loving you has been the ride of my life and I'm determined to remain on this ride for many years to come.
Happy Birthday, my love! I love you! -always!
Kids vs. Dreams
When Alice was first born I struggled immensely with balancing out the things I had to/wanted to do and coping with caring for a baby. I know I wasted a lot of time in things that I thought I needed to do, and in not having a structured enough schedule. I used to think I was a fairly organized person, but there's nothing like having a kid to show you just how unorganized you really are.
Number two came along and I was sure that I would never cope. I had my sister helping out with Alice for a good portion of the day and Evy took these deliciously long naps, but even then, there never seemed to be enough time.
Moving from my cozy situation into a pioneer situation with not enough personnel to raise the funds, clean the house, cook and care for the 4 tiny kids, I came to the realization that if I was going to be a good mother and teacher, then I'd have to be willing to forsake my dreams of what I had wanted to be and do, and look at the reality that I was a mother and teacher and just needed to buckle down, accept my "fate" and do what needed to be done.
It was a hard decision to come to and I felt like my dreams were about to "walk the plank". But I knew it was the right thing to do and I wanted to be a good mother and do what's right for my kids. So, into the rubbish bin went my hobbies, dreams and ambitions. I put time and effort into creating the kids' curicculum, and doing what I could to ensure that they were getting a good (enough) education and had all their needs met.
Imagine my surprise when, after a bit of adjustment and better scheduling, I now find myself with time to not only give my kids what they deserve in the way of their education (which I found I also really enjoy doing), but find the time to dabble (more and more) in the type of work/ministry that I've dreamt about and always wanted to work in.
It was really the whole, "put it on the altar and the Lord will give it back to you" scenerio as I truly felt like I'd never again have the oppertunity to learn and grow in the areas that I wanted to specialize in, yet the Lord knew that eventually He'd repay. I'm very thankful that the Lord helped me make that initial sacrifice and immensely grateful that He saw fit to give it back to me.
I have by no means arrived in the organizational aspect, and each day I'm learning more about how to fit things in, and what's actually necessary to take care of now and what can wait. I find we often make decisions based on what we were taught or what is "proper", without really looking at whether it is needed. I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather be the mom who was relaxed, had fun with my kids and enjoyed their childhood than to be remembered by them as the mom that had everything in perfect order, but was always stressed out.
By God's grace I will continue to find the right balance, and that more and more I will be able to have my preferred ministries be used by Him and for the good of my home. -and when I'm good enough, perhaps even to make some extra cash! :D
Yay!
Stractab
Good-bye, Forbidden
So long, Perhaps
Farewell, what's Lost
Peace in my lap
Flutter by seven
Sixty more come
The gate's been shut
What's done is done
So long, Perhaps
Farewell, what's Lost
Peace in my lap
Flutter by seven
Sixty more come
The gate's been shut
What's done is done
Joy of Sorrow
Something I wrote sometime back when life was a bit rough.
Sorrow, come and be my joy
Join me here for midday tea
'Neath the shade of willow wheep
Share my broken company.
Leave me not for gladder souls
Share with me thy sweet refrain
Cold would be the carefree heart
That from sorrow would abstain
In thy sage and learned soul
Precious jew'ls lay hidden deep
Diamonds rare and rubies that
Make those born in mirth seem cheap.
Would the faint inner churning
Lend to me a written prayer
Cause a dried and barren well
With thy waters more to bear
When my soul has given forth
All the sweetness sorrow brings
Then let joyusness return
Join the singing my soul sings.
Sorrow, come and be my joy
Join me here for midday tea
'Neath the shade of willow wheep
Share my broken company.
Leave me not for gladder souls
Share with me thy sweet refrain
Cold would be the carefree heart
That from sorrow would abstain
In thy sage and learned soul
Precious jew'ls lay hidden deep
Diamonds rare and rubies that
Make those born in mirth seem cheap.
Would the faint inner churning
Lend to me a written prayer
Cause a dried and barren well
With thy waters more to bear
When my soul has given forth
All the sweetness sorrow brings
Then let joyusness return
Join the singing my soul sings.
Remember?
The other day I contacted someone on a network site that I'd met once. They responded with "Do I know you?" While not entirely flattering, I didn't really expect them to remember who I was, especially considering that profile pictures can often look somewhat different than real life.
I remembered this person because they had a big imapct on my life. It was one little comment, at just the right time that made a very difficult time that much easier.
That is why I remember him.
Chances are, he'll never know. I may remain some unkown face to him, but if someday, a friendship were to devolop, I may just muster up the courage to tell him what a difference he made in my life.
It just goes to show, you never know how your words or actions may affect someone. Someone you may not even remember may credit you for saving their life, marriage or self esteem.
Thought provoking, isn't it?!
I remembered this person because they had a big imapct on my life. It was one little comment, at just the right time that made a very difficult time that much easier.
That is why I remember him.
Chances are, he'll never know. I may remain some unkown face to him, but if someday, a friendship were to devolop, I may just muster up the courage to tell him what a difference he made in my life.
It just goes to show, you never know how your words or actions may affect someone. Someone you may not even remember may credit you for saving their life, marriage or self esteem.
Thought provoking, isn't it?!
Soul search
After having done some internal reflecting, I've come to the conclusion that it's not healthy to close yourself off into your private little world once you've embarked upon a marriage/long-term relationship.
I've been so internally focused these past 6 years, that I've managed to lose not only some of the best friendships I ever had, but aparently, even the art of casual conversation, harmless flirting, and just plain having fun with the crowd.
It was not intentional nor even all that drastic, but more of a slow slipping away from the community of people I knew into the world of privacy that seemed so much safer.
I'd visit people's blogs, keep tabs on what they were doing and where they were, but they never knew. The status of lurker was all too easy to maintain. No having to deal with unsatisfied readers, no one to throw nasty comments my way, no one to harass my beliefs, no one to ridicule my way of expressing myself.
But also, no one to know me, no one to relate and sympathize with the changes my life was taking, no one to just have a friendly chat with, no one to see the side of me that lies hidden. My life was no open book. The topics I ended up talking about when friends did visit were trivial, and I fear, more often than not, completely uninteresting to the listener. (A fact proven when on more than one occasion, they'd blank out or suddenly start talking to someone else while in the middle of a conversation with me. Was I really that dull?!)
Perhaps I've been a little too safe. A little too careful.
So for those friends I've lost touch with, for the closeness I gave up, I'm sorry.
Jace, you were one of the best listeners I know. If you ever happen on this blog, I regret having given up what was a great friendship. You were always there to listen to me when I needed someone to talk to. I miss our friendship.
I have determined to try and come out of my shell a little more. To risk exposure, even if that means people know me once again and think they can predict my future. I've proven them wrong before, I can do it again.
Who knows, I may even start getting a comment or two!
I've been so internally focused these past 6 years, that I've managed to lose not only some of the best friendships I ever had, but aparently, even the art of casual conversation, harmless flirting, and just plain having fun with the crowd.
It was not intentional nor even all that drastic, but more of a slow slipping away from the community of people I knew into the world of privacy that seemed so much safer.
I'd visit people's blogs, keep tabs on what they were doing and where they were, but they never knew. The status of lurker was all too easy to maintain. No having to deal with unsatisfied readers, no one to throw nasty comments my way, no one to harass my beliefs, no one to ridicule my way of expressing myself.
But also, no one to know me, no one to relate and sympathize with the changes my life was taking, no one to just have a friendly chat with, no one to see the side of me that lies hidden. My life was no open book. The topics I ended up talking about when friends did visit were trivial, and I fear, more often than not, completely uninteresting to the listener. (A fact proven when on more than one occasion, they'd blank out or suddenly start talking to someone else while in the middle of a conversation with me. Was I really that dull?!)
Perhaps I've been a little too safe. A little too careful.
So for those friends I've lost touch with, for the closeness I gave up, I'm sorry.
Jace, you were one of the best listeners I know. If you ever happen on this blog, I regret having given up what was a great friendship. You were always there to listen to me when I needed someone to talk to. I miss our friendship.
I have determined to try and come out of my shell a little more. To risk exposure, even if that means people know me once again and think they can predict my future. I've proven them wrong before, I can do it again.
Who knows, I may even start getting a comment or two!
:)
I find myself feeling both hopeful and terrified at all the new changes we are going through. The responsibility to make the right choices is so much greater, it seems, yet to have the freedom to actually make those choices is thrilling.
I feel that my life can go so much farther than I ever thought possible and the paths it may take now seems endless. -and to top it off, all of this can be done while still being in His highest will and without have to "forsake your plow".
How great is this change journey?!
I feel that my life can go so much farther than I ever thought possible and the paths it may take now seems endless. -and to top it off, all of this can be done while still being in His highest will and without have to "forsake your plow".
How great is this change journey?!
It's about time
I figured it was about time I posted again. Now, don't get your hopes up, it's not going to be anything spectacular, just a way to persuade myself that I haven't completely lost touch with cyber-world.
Alice has recently developed an interest in mazes. I download them from various sites and print them out for her but she goes through them amazingly fast that I can barely keep up.
She's very much into art and anything artistic and I try to let her express herself artistically even if it means that her seals are rainbow colored and her elephants have green trunks. And when I question her choice of color and remind her that elephants are generally grey all around, she calmly informs me that THIS elephant stuck his nose in a bucket of green paint.
We went through a bit of a dry spell in her reading, but thanks to The Learning Company's "Interactive Reading Journey" game, she has gained a love for reading that up until now, I've only dreamed of.
Math is a subject she likes a lot and she's doing very good with her spelling and phonics. Though, of course, nothing beats our art project day in her list of favorite things to do.
Yesterday she made a fruit basket out of modeling clay complete with an apple and a tomato.
Since I started doing face-painting more regularly, she also decided that she wanted to become a face painter, so at every oppertunity, she practices on herself, creating her own ideas of faces to make such as an apple, which came out quite well, and a waterfall, the idea of which was quite brilliant, however, the application of it looked very close to something out of a horror movie.
Evlyne has invented a game for her times outdoor. First, she picks up all the pebbles she can find and carefully inserts one between each of her toes. Then she ambles over to the caravan where she proceeds to dump handfuls of pebbles in the holes of the wheel. It's a game that can enthrall her for up to a half hour straight!
She loves playing in the sand box, dunping the sand neatly outside of the box.
She's quite a stickler for tidying up and has discovered the joy of throwing things in the trash. While I appreciate her efforts at cleaning, I do find I have to intervene when her books, my socks and Alice's t-shirt ends up in said trash can. -at least she means well!
She's finally getting her last few teeth. Teething has been tough on her; far worse than I remember it being for Alice. But she remians (mostly) her cheerful little self. The picture is of her favorite "showing off my teeth" face. She is actually a very pretty baby, but her smile is so goofy that it tends to outshine her other beautiful features.
Coming soon are a few (extremely belated) pics of Alice's birthday party. I just needa get them off Tino's computer (a feat not as easy as it may sound!).
Till then,
Cheerio
Alice has recently developed an interest in mazes. I download them from various sites and print them out for her but she goes through them amazingly fast that I can barely keep up.She's very much into art and anything artistic and I try to let her express herself artistically even if it means that her seals are rainbow colored and her elephants have green trunks. And when I question her choice of color and remind her that elephants are generally grey all around, she calmly informs me that THIS elephant stuck his nose in a bucket of green paint.
We went through a bit of a dry spell in her reading, but thanks to The Learning Company's "Interactive Reading Journey" game, she has gained a love for reading that up until now, I've only dreamed of.
Math is a subject she likes a lot and she's doing very good with her spelling and phonics. Though, of course, nothing beats our art project day in her list of favorite things to do.
Yesterday she made a fruit basket out of modeling clay complete with an apple and a tomato.
Since I started doing face-painting more regularly, she also decided that she wanted to become a face painter, so at every oppertunity, she practices on herself, creating her own ideas of faces to make such as an apple, which came out quite well, and a waterfall, the idea of which was quite brilliant, however, the application of it looked very close to something out of a horror movie.
Evlyne has invented a game for her times outdoor. First, she picks up all the pebbles she can find and carefully inserts one between each of her toes. Then she ambles over to the caravan where she proceeds to dump handfuls of pebbles in the holes of the wheel. It's a game that can enthrall her for up to a half hour straight!
She loves playing in the sand box, dunping the sand neatly outside of the box.
She's quite a stickler for tidying up and has discovered the joy of throwing things in the trash. While I appreciate her efforts at cleaning, I do find I have to intervene when her books, my socks and Alice's t-shirt ends up in said trash can. -at least she means well!
She's finally getting her last few teeth. Teething has been tough on her; far worse than I remember it being for Alice. But she remians (mostly) her cheerful little self. The picture is of her favorite "showing off my teeth" face. She is actually a very pretty baby, but her smile is so goofy that it tends to outshine her other beautiful features.
Coming soon are a few (extremely belated) pics of Alice's birthday party. I just needa get them off Tino's computer (a feat not as easy as it may sound!).
Till then,
Cheerio
Happy Birthday Grandpa
Here is Alice's birthday video to her grandpa. It's so cute and funny! -and the song about Jesus she made up by herself on the spot.
Here it is:
Here it is:
Alice's Generosity
At the end of a long and somewhat difficult day, Alice asked me to go upstairs and get her a cup of milk.
I said, "Mommy is too tired to run upstairs and get you a cup of milk. Can you please just have some water?"
She thought for a minute to decide how far she could extend her generosity to her tired mom and then said, "Well, you could walk".
I said, "Mommy is too tired to run upstairs and get you a cup of milk. Can you please just have some water?"
She thought for a minute to decide how far she could extend her generosity to her tired mom and then said, "Well, you could walk".